The GreatRep (where I work) is an Alzheimer's and Dementia care facility. It's secure, which means in order to get outside, you must know the keycode and enter it to get the doors to open. Well, there are secure courtyards outside that anyone can go into whenever they like, but this time of year they don't get much use. Although one of my coworkers did build a tiny snowman outside the window and then took each resident to the window to see it and look at it and talk about the snow for a while, which was cute.
My friend Annie just wrote a post on her blog about her first visit to see her Mom at a facility much like the one I work at. Go read it, she's great, her Mom is great, and her Dad is too! http://tinyurl.com/28tgzbf
What cracked me up about it is that we give graham crackers out every day at 10am at my job! And what made me think is when Annie said "In my head I guess I wanted to imagine that, while we don't understand her in her disease, once she got around other people who had the same disease they could somehow find each other out there in that place where Alzheimer's takes them. But I guess it just takes everyone somewhere different."
I think it's pretty fascinating to watch the ways my residents interact with one another. We have one set of roomates that we refer to as "the twins" even though they aren't related, because these ladies can often be found strolling around together, or in their room reorganizing the closets for the zillionth time, or reading aloud to one another. One of the younger residents there strolls around all the time, patting the hands of whomever she comes across, or just sitting with someone for a while. She doesn't often strike up conversations, but she seems to really like the companionship of just sitting next to someone on the couch.
We've got a few married couples that room together, one of whom hardly talk to each other (or talk much at all anymore) but every day after breakfast we put them next to each other on the couch, and the wife leans over and falls asleep resting her head on her husband. They don't sleep together in the same bed anymore (that sadly doesn't work out very well when there's catheters and memory loss involved) but they're in the room together and they doze next to one another on the couch. The other ones still walk and talk, and they bicker bicker bicker just the way I bet they've always done.
On the more acute wing, mostly the residents don't really talk to one another very much. They're far gone enough that if you want their attention, you need to address them by their name, try to make eye contact or hold their hand, and speak up pretty loudly. So obviously since they all need that, none of them can really do that for one another. There are a few exceptions, of course. One of my favorite people there, Bonnie, is also on the younger end and has excellent hearing. When I'm feeding her lunch, she'll quietly respond to what someone on the other side of the dining room says, so if a coworker way over yonder says "Is Maxine ready for dessert?" Bonnie will say, so only I can hear her "Yep, she sure is". Bonnie is the one who says really cute things sometimes, like when a coworker told her "Oh, Bonnie, you are something else!" after she'd cracked us up, Bonnie answered "No I'm not I'm always just a Bonnie".
With dementia, it seems like those little moments mean a lot to those of us on the outside. Little peeks into the universe our loved ones are living in right then. And when they connect with each other, and I'm watching, it can make me so glad to have been there. I love walking away after settling someone at the table and overhearing two of my little old ladies that I see every day go "I don't know who that is, but she sure is a nice girl" and another reply "I don't know either but I think she's very sweet". I even got happy when one of my most confused ladies gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me "You're a nice boy".
I know some of the people with dementia feel lonely a lot, because they don't know that you've just spent 20 minutes holding their hand and talking to them; if you're not doing it right then, it doesn't count. But I think a lot of them have some pretty rich inner lives, given the stuff that will occasionally come through in those moments of clarity. I just wonder if they value those moments any differently than all the rest of their time. I know us outsiders do, because those are the moments we feel like we really connected with them.
But today I worked West 1 again (remember how I got my ass kicked all day last time?) and when I went to get Genivieve up, her daughter was sitting, watching her sleep, and holding her hand. Her daughter kissed her Mama goodbye and chatted with me for a few minutes, then headed out so I could start getting Genvieve ready for the day. And you know what? Genvieve was shockingly gentle and relaxed for me. She didn't hit, bite, scratch or spit. She let me help her, and even gently patted my hands. Even though she was asleep while her daughter was with her, I wonder if that didn't make a difference for Genvieve. Maybe it was a coincidence, but maybe not.