One of my favorite residents died yesterday. Jenny was in her eighties, and often still fairly quick witted; she might be thinking her mother would be mad that Jenny was going to be late for dinner, but she could always come up with a quip that would surprise you and make you laugh. Jenny was the first resident at the GreatRep that I really felt was a friend of mine, and it's been painful watching her decline. Of course we all knew she was on hospice, and anyone with eyes could see how outrageous her edema (swelling due to water retention, usually just in the lower legs/feet but in extreme cases like Jenny's can go all the way up to the abdomen and eventually lungs). But Jenny had been sick for a long time, and was still her usual loving, funny self when I saw her on Friday.
This was one of those rare times when my weekend coincides with everyone else's, and I had Saturday and Sunday off.
Monday I arrived at work, and during report, the med tech let us know that Jenny had passed away about an hour before. Me and another coworker who hadn't known about this both burst into tears, and apparently everyone else had cried throughout the shift yesterday as they helped Jenny through her last hours.
We were all grateful she didn't linger too long once she was actively dying, because she was basically slowly drowning and it was very scary for her.
I miss her already. I miss my friend, and I wish I'd known how suddenly she began to die because I didn't get to say goodbye. I'm torn between wishing I had gone to say goodbye to her body before they took it, and realizing that doesn't matter because she wasn't in there anymore. Still, when we closed off the fire doors to give the people privacy to take Jenny out on the gurney, I was seized with an urge to run after them and pat her hand once more.
We were all lucky to have gotten to know Jenny, and I know she was ready to die, but it's still hard. It was hard two weeks ago when she kept asking me to kill her. It will be hard next week when a new lady moves into Jenny's room. I hope her family invites us to her service.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day 05: Suicide Day?
Wow, what a cheerful topic, huh? A time I've thought about ending my own life.
First of all, you should know this is ALWAYS my solution when watching horrible post-apocalyptic movies or tv shows. Watching Walking Dead? I kept thinking and saying "Why don't they kill themselves?". I know it gets irritating for poor Mr. Polly but I honestly don't understand why these people in movies always want to stay alive after the whole world is ruined and dead bodies are shambling along trying to eat them up. Horrible! I'd rather be regular dead than dead by zombie bite, hands down.
Just so that's clear.
Anyway, though, in real life I've been suicidal-ish, but not enough to actually have attempted it. From 12-19 or 20, I had an eating disorder (first anorexia then bulimia) and then towards the end of that, when I was starting recovery from the eating disorder, I began self-injuring. I was suicidal through a lot of those years, but apparently not too much so, 'cause I'm still alive now, thank goodness! My low point was probably the time I had to go to the ER because of dehydration, ketosis, and dangerously low potassium levels. At that point, I was vomiting 5+ times a day, and afraid to even keep down water. I was a sick, sick girl. But I got some IV fluids, potassium, and referrals for help.
Antidepressants have been a lifesaver for me. My quality of life has improved beyond words since I found the right one for me, and I've never looked back. For me, they shut off the crazy obsessive thoughts about food so I'm able to actually pay attention to the rest of my life and have a good time. It's awesome!
So, yeah. If you're suicidal because of zombies, my advice might be to go for it, but otherwise, my advice is a definite "go get some crazy pills", which is what I affectionately call my antidepressants. I like Zoloft the best.
Sorry for the downer of a post; blame the looky-loo who wrote the challenge list, and remember that I'm a happy camper now!
First of all, you should know this is ALWAYS my solution when watching horrible post-apocalyptic movies or tv shows. Watching Walking Dead? I kept thinking and saying "Why don't they kill themselves?". I know it gets irritating for poor Mr. Polly but I honestly don't understand why these people in movies always want to stay alive after the whole world is ruined and dead bodies are shambling along trying to eat them up. Horrible! I'd rather be regular dead than dead by zombie bite, hands down.
Just so that's clear.
Anyway, though, in real life I've been suicidal-ish, but not enough to actually have attempted it. From 12-19 or 20, I had an eating disorder (first anorexia then bulimia) and then towards the end of that, when I was starting recovery from the eating disorder, I began self-injuring. I was suicidal through a lot of those years, but apparently not too much so, 'cause I'm still alive now, thank goodness! My low point was probably the time I had to go to the ER because of dehydration, ketosis, and dangerously low potassium levels. At that point, I was vomiting 5+ times a day, and afraid to even keep down water. I was a sick, sick girl. But I got some IV fluids, potassium, and referrals for help.
Antidepressants have been a lifesaver for me. My quality of life has improved beyond words since I found the right one for me, and I've never looked back. For me, they shut off the crazy obsessive thoughts about food so I'm able to actually pay attention to the rest of my life and have a good time. It's awesome!
So, yeah. If you're suicidal because of zombies, my advice might be to go for it, but otherwise, my advice is a definite "go get some crazy pills", which is what I affectionately call my antidepressants. I like Zoloft the best.
Sorry for the downer of a post; blame the looky-loo who wrote the challenge list, and remember that I'm a happy camper now!
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