I'm going to marry my new teacher, or at least give her an apple

Last quarter ended on an awkward note, as I stayed after my final to speak to my A&P instructor about his inappropriate comments throughout the quarter - see my last post for more info. So imagine my unpleasant shock when, the Friday before classes were due to begin on Monday, I got a letter telling my I hadn't paid my spring quarter tuition and was therefore DROPPED FROM ALL MY CLASSES. WTF. That's a horrible way to let me know that. Wouldn't logic tell you that if someone owes you money, you should give them notice of that BEFORE it becomes a problem?

Nope. That was the first I'd heard of it, because up until now my financial aid has covered all of my tuition with no problems.

So now I was faced with the possibility that once I paid the extra money financial aid didn't cover, I might have to try to get into whatever A&P 2 class is available. Which includes the one taught by my last instructor. And both he and I would probably rather eat some glass than have that happen. Awesome.

Long story short, it all worked out and I'm deleriously happy to be enrolled in my (female) teacher's A&P 2 class. Today was the first lecture, and she's organized, clear, and seems to be an excellent instructor. And hasn't mentioned her genitals once!

I love her. I'm so, so, so relieved to be taking her class! This is going to be a good quarter.

Studying: it works!

I think I mentioned recently that after finding out that my employment at Father Sainty's is no longer such a gigantic helping factor in getting me into nursing school, I decided I needed to pull my grades up. I was getting a B in Anatomy and Physiology and an A- in Bio. That B in A&P was sort of tenouous, though, since I'd gotten a B- on my most recent exam.

I studied like crazy for my most recent exam on bones, and got a 90% on it! If I continue to study this hard and do that well on my remaining exams this quarter, I should be able to get my grade up to an A-, I think. So that's my plan.

Too bad I don't love muscles the way I love bones. I even had dreams regarding specific bones (I was in a butterfly garden but the butterflies were sphenoid bones that were flying around, and I was delighted!).

So while it may be tempting to put work first, I need to remember to put school first. That means if I have to sleep less to study more, that's what will happen. If it means showing up at work exhausted rather than after napping, then that's the deal. If it means eating dinner in the cafeteria instead of cooking and packing my meals, that's okay too.

After this quarter I only have to do A&P II and microbiology. I think I can technically apply to nursing school even with one class left to finish up, so maybe I can apply for admittance next Winter quarter and take microbiology in the fall before it begins?

Either way, I plan to stop working at the GreatRep once I'm in nursing school. That 10-hour workday is just too much time lost. If I can take out loans, i'll do that to compensate for the lost income. I know how incredibly lucky I am to be going to school for free right now, and I know that won't continue forever.

More and more the idea of goign for my LPN and working in a skilled nursing facility or inpatient rehab sounds appealing to me. If I'm going to work and go to school, part of me thinks that work should be the best-paying I'm able to get.

Either way, I'm back on board with school!

And here's a visual for anyone wondering about my dreams: they're a cross between this



and this

A piano fell on my head.

I am so frustrated right now. One of the main reasons I applied at the hospital (apart from benefits and pay) is that the hospital has a relationship with the community college (where I intended to go get my RN) where a certain percentage of the seats in the RN program are reserved for hospital employees, and where in turn, the hospital will help pay your tuition at school provided you agree to work for them for one year to help 'repay' that tuition.

I just got an email that the hospital is ending that relationship, becuase they no longer have a shortage of RN's in the area. Friiiiiiiiiick.

I think the educational assistance may still be in effect but is probably harder to get. And this means that I am now competing with the general public for admission to any nursing school. So I better be hitting the books for my prereqs.

I know, not the end of the world. But not news that I'm happy about at all. Not at all.

Mountain, not a molehill

Today I'm feeling like I've bitten off more than I can chew this quarter. I'm taking Anatomy and Physiology I, and an online bio course, so that's 10 credits total. I'm working full-time, 3 shifts a week at the hospital, and one at the Dementia Facility.

On a typical day, I get up at around 7:30, get ready, catch the bus to school, get home from school at around 11, and then study/eat/nap until time for work at 15:30-23:30. I try to get to sleep by 1am, then do it again the next day. And lord, am I tired. I've fallen asleep on the bus, nearly fell asleep in the bathroom at work last night (the auto flushing toilet woke me up with a start and I LEAPT to my feet!) and in general am just so tired and feel so behind on everything.

Next quarter, I'm going to only take one class because I can't afford to cut back on work and I want to really learn this stuff and do well in my classes.

There's all this weird drama in the nursing program at my Community College, where the previous director of the program just finally "stepped down" aka got fired, and a new one is taking her place. The new one is my academic advisor, and I like her quite a bit from what I know of her in that context, so hopefully she can turn this ship around. Right now the nursing program's retention rates and NCLEX pass rates are very poor. So in many ways I might be better off going to a different community college, but Father Sainty's will either help pay my tuition at my current community college or at the University. If I want to go to the University, there's a couple of extra prereqs I need to take (including Chem 131 - yikes) and it would be a long commute to take classes there all throughout nursing school.

Anyway, all of that is something I shouldn't be worrying about this early on. If I don't focus on the present my grades will suck so badly I won't be able to get into school.

Work is going pretty great though. I just (belatedly) had my 90-day evaluation at the hospital with my nurse manager, and it went quite well. I got some nice comments on my peer reviews including "Pollyanna is soft spoken and calming to patients" and one about how I'm pursuing my education and always happy to share new things I've learned. So those both make me feel really good!

I feel so, so lucky every day to be working on the floor I'm working on. Our charge nurses are awesome, the floor nurses are easy to work with and appreciative, and the majority of our patients are motivated to work hard toward their recovery goals and get back to their lives as soon as possible. I like being able to help them with that.

And this week in A&P we're going to start studying the skeletal system, which I'm very very happy about since I hear the terminology at work all the time (about fractures and where they are and what type and so on) but don't understand it. So I cannot WAIT to put cell respiration behind me and move on to something that feels more relevant to real life!

Yeah Buddies!

I got my first Chem exam back, and scored an A-. I'm thrilled by this! The first two chapters, what the test was on, involved me relearning all the algebra I'd forgotten since high school. Plus all the regular chemistry topics we were all learning in the class.

Now that we're past that part, the following chapter on naming compounds, Lewis diagrams, and predicting molecular geometry are way, way easier.

Plus my lab partner is really nice; she's a CNA also, and works at a skilled nursing facility. We were swapping stories about the weird residents and the most horrifying post mortem cares we've done, and it's great because we're both 'returning students' (she's in her thirties) so we're both actually motivated to do well in the class because we've got other stuff to do besides goof off.

Work today was sucky.

One of the CNA's that's been at the GreatRep for a few years was fired this week for getting into altercation with a resident. WTF? I haven't heard any details, so I don't know if she just snapped, but the resident she was yelling at is very compliant and nonverbal, and never combative. Not like it's ever okay to really yell at someone you're supposed to be caring for, but if that person had, say, slapped you across the face with their wet brief and then spat on you, one might understand raising your voice a smidgen more than your heart tells you is right. But I can't imagine that anything like that had happened, given who was involved in this. Bizarre.

And yes, the brief-slapping thing is real and did really happen. Not to me, thank goodness. But the resident who did it is alive and kicking. And told me last week that she would like to "shoot [me] with a gun and make a beautiful mess out of [me]". I just sighed and rolled my eyes. That's her horrible, horrible baseline.

I cheer myself up by talking to the adorable little lady who asks for cocoa by calling it "kokomoko". So cute!

Day 9 - things that make me go gray

9 - What's something that you worry about for the future?

This is embarrassing, but the idea of global warming makes me so scared I want to go hide in my bathtub with a blanket over me, as if it were a tornado. I know I already do pretty well on not making a gigantic carbon footprint (I'm vegan, drive a low-emissions car and don't travel much, live in a small apartment, walk to most of my errands because I live downtown, and will be taking the bus to and from school once I start classes, and buy most of my clothing secondhand). But it's never enough. If I think about it in depth, I get an overwhelming terrified feeling and get dizzy. That's dumb, I know.

The other thing I worry about often is whether I'll be bitter and burned out by the time I finally finish my prereqs and get to apply to nursing schools. My financial aid/tuition waiver has been reduced from up to 18 credits a quarter to down to 10. So I can take 2 classes a quarter for the next 3 quarters. Upside, this will make working full-time totally possible. Downside, I won't finish all the needed courses in three quarters. So I'll be working and going to school ... indefinitely. I like my job still, but I have days when I think "I'm so glad this isn't what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I couldn't spend every day forever in here". Or days when I just want to hide from the sundowning residents that are yelling at me when I tell them they can't go home, because home isn't there anymore. I want to keep my drive and keep my enthusiasm. I worry that I'll get worn out before I even get a chance to finish my schooling.

But whatever, right? I mean, worrying about it isn't going to prevent it, and I'm doing the best I can right now. So I'll keep finding those funny moments every day, and concentrate on keeping my GPA as high as I can make it, and suck it up. I can do this.

And on my day off, I talk about ... me!

I've got several friends right now who are online dating, and one who just married a man she met that way. One of these friends is very, very smart and keeps an interesting blog about her process of going from newly-divorced to dating at: Struck by Lightning 2.0. Her recent post about statistics reminded me that she'd previously linked to a really interesting site where you can participate in positive psychology research by taking some inventory questionnaires about your own happiness: Authentic Happiness Tests.

I generally score pretty high on happiness, which probably won't surprise those of you that know me or read this blog regularly. Even though there are some really difficult aspects of my life, on a day-to-day basis I'm very happy. I love Mr. Polly tremendously and have a great time with him, I feel that I'm doing the sort of work I'm meant to do and that I'm taking steps toward being where I want to be (in nursing school), I love the town I live in, and have good friendships. I do have some troubled family relationships at time, worry about Mr. Polly's disease, and am constantly frustrated by our neverending medical debt. But overall I feel that most of that is something we can overcome.

But my positive psychology scores aren't really the stuff I'd put on a dating profile, or anything that I lead with when I meet new people. I just took a Briggs-Myers test again and scored as an ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging) type. Apparently I'm a Guardian Protector type. I don't know if my reserve is actually very obvious to others, but I feel it. I've been at my current facility for 6 months and, although I like a lot of my coworkers, I only have the phone number of one of them, and he's the only one I've considered socializing with outside of work so far. I've gently turned down other invitations because I just don't know if it's worth it to me since nursing homes are often such little drama hotbeds. So I wait a long time to see if I hear someone gossiping or being a jerk before I decide if I want to hang out with them. That's pretty reserved, I know, and sometimes I wish I were less so. But I'm cautious that way.

One of my friends that's online dating has her type on her profile (INFP) so maybe that's a decent way to give someone a shorthand of who you are. I'm partly thinking about this because down the road I foresee some "I want to be a nurse because" essays in my future for scholarships. And no one wants to read "because I want to help people" over and over again. So I could say "because I 'have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in [my] makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree [I] can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world' but also because I find it funny when old ladies come up and try to hand me a handful of poop and I can look at a stage 4 tunneling wound (and smell it) without vomiting. Give me some money for education!"

That'll go over well, don't you think?

Or "Our premarital counselor told me that even though I seem sweet as can be, I'm secretly made of cast iron."

On second thought, it's a good thing I have a long time to work on these pitches, and it's a really good thing I'm not trying to find a husband online. Although, wealthy gentlemen of the world, if you are reading this right now and thinking "I wish I could marry Polly and pay her way through school then let her divorce me and remarry her own Mister" send me a comment and we'll talk. This applies to well-to-do ladies living in states where gay marriage is legal as well, of course.




Maybe this blog is the best scholarship app/personal ad ever in life. Ha.

Goodbye, days off

I had a meeting at the college with my new advisor to put together an educational plan. This was necessary because some genius thought I could finish all my prereqs in 2 quarters instead of 3, and even if I did max out my aid and do 18 credits per quarter, I still wouldn't finish them all. Sheesh. So I had to submit a plan showing that it is indeed going to take me 3 quarters.

My schedule for fall quarter is to take chem, bio, and first aid. 12 credits total. And work full time. School Mon-Thurs, one evening shift after school (1400-2200). And then three 10 hour days Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays over at the Great Rep. Wash and repeat for the next three months.

I can do this. I will do this.

Winter quarter will be much the same.

Spring quarter, I really need to try to work less because I'm taking 15 credits, and my advisor recommended against me taking two of the classes I plan on taking simultaneously. She's concerned about the workload causing me to get bad grades. But I don't have a choice, I don't have unlimited time on this tuition waiver and who knows if I'll ever get a chance like that again. So I figure some time before spring quarter we'll have to figure out another source of income so I can cut back and work part time.

I know I can make it work. I worked 2-3 jobs simultaneously for almost a year in order to keep us afloat long enough to buy our comic book store. I had to schedule my sleep in blocks between jobs. And I did it. I've been through school before, and I'm comfortable enough at the GreatRep that it doesn't take a lot of mental energy now for me to make it through my shifts there. I'm tough. I'm not afraid to work hard. I'm just afraid of failure.

Pardon me while I go get my teddy bear...

Ha HA! Triumph!

I'm so on top of this whole going-back-to-school thing, I'm giving my nightmares bad dreams; no more anxiety dreams here! I'm kicking ass, taking names, and chewing bubblegum all at the same time.

This whole being poor thing? Not so bad when it comes to financial aid. I am getting a FULL TUITION WAIVER at the community college for the next 3 quarters! Plus $250 for books each quarter. Yessssss!

This means that I'm planning to take 10 credits per quarter and haven't figured out how much work that means I'll do. If I can afford to cut back to working 3 10-hour shifts, I'll do that. If not, I'm gonna have to keep working full time, since my awesome financial aid does nothing to help me pay rent or get food to eat.

Nonetheless, I'm very, very excited. It's looking like I have about a year's worth of prereqs to do before I can apply to the Accelerated BSN program at my state's university. So I'm going to need to get myself some very good grades in chemistry, anatomy and physiology, and the like.

I can't wait to get back to school. I frickin' love science. And science classes. I'm so excited!

Dreaming about pills

I think my subconscious is getting anxious about going back to school in the fall. Or maybe just about my upcoming meeting with the advising person who'll look over my past transcripts and tell me which classes I need to take, which should then give me a rough estimate of how long I'll be at community college before I can apply to nursing school.

Last night my anxiety dreams were:

1. I'm enrolled at a med aide course at the community college, complete with practice med carts. I'm aware that I'm not supposed to pop the pills for all of the patients ahead of time, but since I don't know these patients I'm afraid I'll run out of time and do it anyway. The entire bottom drawer of my cart is filled with painstakingly organized little med cups with the correct dosages of pills for my med pass. And then I run it down a couple of stairs and when I open it I've got a huge mess of pills all out of the cups and it's going to take me HOURS to sort them all out so that I get the right ones to the right people.

2. One of our family friends that's just finished her freshman year in college is complaining of butt pain, so I offer to take a look at it and discover a huge stage 3 pressure sore on her butt cheek. I decide to measure it by pouring water in it to check the fluid volume of it and she screams in pain. ACK!

Yeah, not very realistic, are they? Anyway, at least it was easy to realize they were just dreams when I woke up.

My meeting with advising is next week, so I need to go tally up which subjects I have credits in from my first go-round at school. In real life, I'm very excited to go back to school, and have gotten some hopeful news about financial aid. If I can afford to, I'll go to school full-time and cut back on my work schedule. That way I can get my prereqs done more quickly and start applying to nursing schools.

If not, then I'll keep working full-time and go to school as much as I'm able to. Either way, it'll be me taking steps in the right direction!