Tweet round-up

Real bloggers do this, sometimes, don't they? I think the Bloggess does. She calls it phoning it in. Anyway, here are some of my most recent tweets for those of you who don't have the pleasure of subscribing to my brilliance there.

• March 25th: I feel genuinely excited to be about to clean my bathroom with lemon comet while I listen to an EMT podcast. 30 isn't too different from 29.
• March 26th: PT [physical therapy]asked me to come help push a guy's leg and then when I did it went kablooey and sprayed blood. And I didn't faint!
• April 7th: My shift is half over and very boring, I'm watching an old man watch baseball.
• April 8th: My confused elderly patient told me our relationship won't work if I don't stop lying to him & pretending we're at the hospital.
• April 15th: Hospital riddle: you're working a double and get a 1:1 for a confused impulsive fall risk old man. What word do you least want to hear him say when you walk into the room? ...My real answer (and what he said) = Vietnam. Other contenders?
• April 27th: What should I watch on VHS, crossroads or 3 men and a baby?
• April 29th: I'm still sick. Wheen I finally get better I have a new life goal: pinup girl gator wrestling queen. Seriously, I like Louisiana, waterproof makeup, alligators and crocodiles in general and I could dust off the fisticuffs.
• today: OMG I just got to cut off a patient's undies for the first time: today is AWESOME!!

And then my night went off the rails...

I was all set for work today; I went to bed early last night and slept in late today, so I was finally rested for the first time in days. I showered, did my hair, watched the news.

And then I got to work and one of the two coworkers I was sharing the wing of the facility with was clearly high out of her damn mind. Ugh. She's been showing symptoms of drug use for a while now, and one of our charge nurses has been trying to figure out how to get her in for a drug test. This coworker, "Calliope" (her real first name is weird too) is always screwy after our paydays, then exhausted in between them.

Today it was just beyond obvious. A few of our more alert residents asked what was wrong with her, even. She was twitching, scratching, chewing on her lips, forgetting what she was doing mid-action, dropping things, smelled like burning ass and hair, and then to top it all off she fell asleep at the table when she was supposed to be feeding a resident. Dude. That's horrible. Let's pause to think about that and take a look at some faces of meth, shall we?







So my poor charge nurse got the honors of being the one to say "Hey, you need to leave right now. Don't come back until you have a clean UA. Here's the paperwork for that." Chances of that ever happening? Very, very slim. I'd be kind of surprised if she ever shows up at the facility again. But you never know. I think we should have taken her keys, but whatever.

So then after all that delightful excitement, me and my remaining sober coworker had 3.5 hours to give 5 showers and put 30 people to bed. Awesome. Thanks to other sober coworkers from the other wing who hurried over to help, we got it done.

And I'll be coming in to cover Calliope's shift tomorrow, I'm sure.

Here's the part where I need advice, dear readers: I want to call child protective services, because Calliope has three kiddos under the age of six. And it's not their fault that their Mom is a mess. Another sober coworker lives in the same neighborhood as Calliope and has seen her husband out and about, and reports that he seems to have a drug problem too. I don't have Calliope's home address or recall her children's names. I miiiiiiiight be able to get that from work, though probably not without breaking some rules. Which would be worth it, because there's no freaking way that these people are decent parents.

What info do I need to have before I call CPS? Is there another agency/route I should try instead or along with this?

Tell me, what have you all done in that kind of situation?

I wear a lot of hats. Today, literally.

The funny thing about working as a med aide at my facility is that I do a lot more "side work" (as it used to be called when I worked at Denny's back in the day) than I ever anticipated. My primary job is, and always will be, to complete my 3 med passes per day. But in addition to that, I basically fill in any gaps that need filling. I take phone calls from irritated family members who for whatever reason would rather talk to me than the nurse. I handle all the non-prescription type treatments that need to be done in a day (anti-itch lotion on one lady, mouthwash at a certain time of day for another, etc.). When the caregivers can't get a resident to do something, they ask me to do it. When the nurse can't get a resident to take their meds, they have me try it. And when, like today, someone calls out and we're understaffed, I run around like mad trying to get as much done as possible while still medicating all my old folks.

My notes to myself, on days like today, probably look like I'm delusional.

"Violet can't figure out chair - get urine?" then "UA neg. watch for more hallucinations. No bears this time."

"Confiscated several forks from Sally's pocket. ↑ Aggressive?"

"Spoke with Mildred's granddaughter via telephone from 0930-0950. Same old crap."

"Velma requests I cancel her flight to Copenhagen. Give her paper and pen for anxiety?"

"Beth finished her antibiotics. No luck. Still a mess! Is it her birthday?"

Luckily for me I don't have to file these notes. I distill them into something coherent and get others to follow up on what I actually meant by all that.

Today my main "side work" was to do something we call 'out to lunch bunch' which I think is pretty ironic given that it's a dementia facility. They're ALL out to lunch, permanently, right?

But anyway, now that it's nice weather out, we take a small group (who're able to and will enjoy it) out to the courtyard for lunch every day. Since the rest of the staff is serving/feeding/cueing in the main dining rooms, what the med aid does is start noon pass a little early, then go outside with a cart of food and beverages and serve the meal to the lucky bunch.

It's actually really pleasant, and a lot of the residents do really well out there; they like being outdoors, it's quieter, a smaller group, and I have time to really sit and talk with them as I help them eat their meals. Pretty sweet. The cutest part is that, in addition to sunscreen, we've got all these big floppy sun hats with fake flowers on them (the population is about 97% female at my facility) to also help protect them from the sun. Yesterday one of the ladies didn't want to wear her hat, but she really, really wanted me to. So I did. And when I popped inside to pick up some more milk, my coworkers threatened to take my picture in the hat and post it all around the facility. And the internet. And in our facility newsletter. So I wore one again today, just to teach them all what cool really is.

It's pretty much this:

There. Now you know what cool is, too.

Best of Shift Reports, part 2

The other morning I got a really funny shift report, which was "Charge nurse on evening shift discovered resident trying to order pay-per-view movie entitled 'Slutty Girls Do It For Money'. Resident was not successful." my DON's comment was "Are you sure? I thought 'slutty girls' did it for free." and the dayshift charge nurse suggested that "No it's homely girls that do it for free.". What other line of work would you be having this chat at 7 in the morning?

Anyway, it reminded me I haven't shared any of my favorite shift reports with you people lately, and that's a shame!

So here's one "Caregiver accidentally bumped resident's head on headboard while transferring into bed. Resident did not complain of pain, but stated that she was now dead, and that the caregiver had killed her. Resident shows no signs of injury or death."

"Resident complaining of tiredness, has been walking around all day looking for her 'midget'. None has been found."

"Mr. X and Mrs. Y may not be seated at the same dinner table any more due to throwing food and splashing liquids at one another." came after a 102 yr. old woman started a food fight.

"Resident given an anti-anxiety drug due to her persistent belief that her roomate's oxygen concentrator was going to
kill her, despite it not being turned on."

Day 12: Bullet Your Whole Day

I'll leave some things out because really, you don't need to know every detail.

10:30am: woken up by Mr. Polly

10:30-1pm: breakfast, studying, dressed, tidied up, etc.

2pm-10pm: CNA class. Highlights included one girl bizarrely trying to cheat on a practice test and getting kicked out of the course. Lots of skills practicing, including peri-care on a mannequin, and brushing dentures. After doing foot care on a classmate, without thinking I grabbed him and sat him up on the edge of the bed, forgetting he's young and able-bodied. Oops. At least I didn't call him Pops. I also let him put his own shoes on. Sang along to Rihanna on the way home instead of listening to an educational podcast. Because I'm a rebel.

10:40pm: got home, danced around the kitchen and put an artichoke on the stovetop to steam. Pestered Mr. Polly while he tried to watch Breaking Bad on DVD. Left him alone finally so I could play games on facebook and update my blog. Will eat an artichoke, watch Smallville (we're on season 3 or 4 now!) and then get ready for bed. Will probably consider reading Jane Eyre before sleep, then get too tired and settle for an article in Good Housekeeping instead. Sorry, Bronte. Better luck next time.

PS I'm reading (or not reading) this edition:

It's illustrated by Dame Darcy, who does one of my favorite comics ever, Meat Cake

PPS If the comics references (Smallville, Dame Darcy, other stuff I'm sure I've said in other posts) didn't tip you off, here's the secret: the Small Business my husband and I co-own with a business partner is ... A COMIC BOOK STORE! Yep, really. Nope, I won't say which one on here. But if you're going to be in the PacNW and want to come see it, email me and I'll fill you in.

Shift Reports

One of my absolute favorite parts of my job at the facility is coming in and catching up on the week's shift reports. Each shift (day, evening, noc/overnight) the aides and nurses write down anything notable that applies to our residents. That way, each shift, as they come on, gets a verbal report where we hit the highlights (Mr. Smith needs to catch the bus to go to the bank, Mrs. Jones fell earlier, Mr. Brown is drunk again) and then can read in the shift report for any further details.

Generally what makes the reports funny is what our residents have been up to. This week, for instance included the following gems:

Noc shift "Mr. X paged at 4am. When I responded to his call light, he asked where his daughters are. I told him they had gone home two days ago and would be back to visit again soon. Resident was confused, asked, 'Well ain't I in heaven?'. Told him he's still alive and was probably dreaming. He said 'ok' and went back to sleep."

Apparently heaven is a giant nursing home where we all have page buttons to ask the big questions in life, or get our briefs changed. Who knew?

I also liked: Noc shift "Went in at 3am for location verification check on flight-risk resident in apt. 123. She woke and started screaming for me to 'Get the hell out'. Resident was in correct location, as expected."

Then there are the ones that are funny because of typos or spelling errors that the staff has made. I was signing off on all our new care plans for our new residents yesterday, and saw that apparently one old man is "ablaze to get in and out of bed unassisted". Damn, he must be motivated!

I also like ones along the lines of "resident has a bruise on butt cheek" or "small sores on both sides of the crack". Descriptive and clear, just not professional. Same with "Evening shift please remember to take out so-and-so's bathroom trash before she goes to bed. No one can stand the stench".

My final favorite things to see in the shift reports are about our residents who hide the stuff they don't like. Don't think that TED hose (tight socks for diabetics) are comfortable? Hide them. Dislike your dentures? Stash them somewhere weird. I love seeing "Housekeeping found TED hose under bed. Told resident if he keeps hiding them his daughters will have his doctor prescribe another pair at his expense. States he doesn't care and will never wear them. TED hose missing again". And "upper dentures found wedged in easy chair cushions. Removed and cleaned, put in soaking cup with polident. AM shift, please encourage resident to wear them tomorrow".

Shift report logs = comedy gold, don't you think?